When choosing what to eat recently, I found myself ,instead of following my appetite, calculating how much calories the meal contains, or whether I exercise enough to “deserve” this meal.
When did food lose the meaning of what it should be – a delicious creature to be enjoyed – to something that causes my guilty?
I had another conversation with some of my female friends on MSN earlier this week about my accident. I wore earphone listening to the soundtrack of The Beach. The very loud music reduced my attention to the traffic, and I was nearly hit by a taxi. Instead of thinking of my own danger, the first thought came to me was “I am in a corset!” “What’s wrong with corset?” Yafan asked. “OHH, it’s SO WRONG!! It’s not a sexy corset, but just the kind that moves all the wrong meat to the right places. And I can’t imagine if I were really sent to ER, when the doctor took off my clothes to check my wound, then s/he would first see my corset!!! The looked perfect body is a LIE!!!”
It’s easy to see there is a serious self portrait issue behind these incidents – are we really the generation of perfectionist? I am not talking about the skeletal models on cat walk boulevard, but the normal girl who lives next to your door.
Bitch Magazine Summer 2007 Issue included an abstract of Courtney E Martin’s book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. She has very interesting perspectives of obsession about food and body of women. Not the women who suffer from anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder – these "SERIOUS" disorders, but about average girl who "is the daughter of feminist generation who said ‘You can be anything,’ and who heard ‘You have to be everything.’". Eventually it’s not about weight and body figure, it’s about we think that we can control things, and to control our bodies becomes the symbol of the willpower. But to control our bodies is the only thing that can be under control eventually.
In most cases, I accept that I am imperfect, I try really hard to not be jealous of other people’s success, and even not admire what others have. I am happy to say that I am a C+ girl, instead of A+ student. But even though, the in closet perfectionist floats up unconsciously – and to keep the effort seems to be effortless. My friend Bruce heard of me saying about how clumsy I was, he said: "I have always felt that you are as graceful as swan." Things are perfect on the surface, and I try to gain control over the things that matter. But who define what matters? Or what are the things that really matter?
While thinking about my food obsessions and writing this, I am about 1.5 weeks before my period. I have always felt chubby and also gluttonous before my period. Last night, I got off two stops further than the stop I should get off after work. I should have some dinner, but I wandered in the alleys for nearly an hour, judging in among the food, the proportion, and a little bit about money – in another words, in desire, desciline, and finance. Then my mind wanders to my girlfriends. I changed my nickname to "If you don’t have any issue with your figure, please let me know" on MSN for 2 days. I havn’t had any response so far. It might be a reason that none of my girlfriends really has diet issues, and I am the only control freak with weight problem. If this is true, I will be really happy. But it;s not. Further than that, how about just obsession? One night, when I listened to all my girlfriends (including myself) over analyzing their relationship with men, I finally said what’s wrong with us? Don’t we have other bothersome issues? Why is it so easy to creat an obsession for women? If it’s not food, then it’s man, it’s panic shopping, it’s cosmetics. When is full of choice becomes too much noise?
Bostonian writer Caroline Knapp’s book Appetites: Why Women Want connects how eating disorders and similar obsessions is affected psychologically and sociologically. The book itself is penetrating and brilliant, but I don’t find it’s helping. And it’s not anyone’s responsibility but myself to be helpful. I am aware that what I should emphsize on is the soul not the virtual body. And it’s a long way to go. To complete, to accept, to love are all not only independent concepts, but also objected result from to be completed, to be accepted, and to be loved.
I don’t feel to make an easy conclusion. This is not an article about self-helping. I also know that there is a balance between superficial world and spiritual mind. But starving 110 pounds girl with 5’5 height or over weight gourmet who enjoys food by all heart are both perfect, and shouldn’t be condemned.
Cherry Raises Hell 
Hey….
I have to say I have weight prob and I try to eat salad and some meat for lunch since last week. I want to loose some weight to fit in my skinny jeans. Do u think the idea of perfection also refelects to mate-finding?
19th century French sociologist Emile Durkheim had a very influencial theory on suicide. Suicide normally is treated as micro personal psychological problem. But he found out under certain social situations, suicide happened like a trend. Therefore, it\’s not anymore personal problems, it became a sociology issue.
What I am trying to say here is not about your personal view toward your weigh problem. (and I sincerely don\’t think there is such a problem on you.) But how all of us are created into this high concern creature by the society. And moreover, I hope the new feminism (it is said every 30 years, there will be new trend of feminism, and it\’s about time.) can bring us, or we (as part of the feminists) all together bring the girls who suffer from perfectionism to a healthier (physically and emotionally) world.